Thursday 29th January - Common Sense

Common sense is a wonderful thing. Simply, some possess it and some do not. During my years at But is it Art? I have seen thousands of punters come and go, each with an original take on the concept of common sense (I don't want to keep it writing to so lets go acronym crazy and call it CS). This has encouraged me to formulate a graph, which demonstrates the CS of shop dwellers in direct proportion to my assumed intelligence of them, and as a result, how much it will cause me to dislike them.

Here are my results:

CUSTOMER COMMON SENSE GRAPH (CCSG)

Disclaimer: The results on this graph are entirely based upon my thoughts and do not represent the philosophy of But is it Art?, its staff, its shoppers, or any company that deals with, or affiliates itself with But is it Art?

Based on the results of the Customer Common Sense Graph (CCSG) one can immediately see that thick individuals (or groups, I don't like to discriminate) are a lost cause. These are the people who ask vague questions such as, "Where do you get your cards from?" and "Do you sell picture frames?"

However, the most annoying, excruciating thing that a customer with no CS does is to remove their credit card from the pin machine before he or she is meant to. A regular excuse is because they saw the words 'remove card'. What they fail to include is the fact that adjacent to these is the phrase 'DO NOT'. Why are you looking at the right hand side of the screen? How do you read a bloody book? Left to right, that's how. The pin machine is not Jewish and is not written in Hebrew so why start reading from that side? You imbecile.

If everyone began to ignore these important words in other everyday situations anarchy would ensue. Young wrestling enthusiasts would be trying things at home, destroying tables, ladders and chairs. Zookeepers would spend half the day mopping up the blood of foolish humans who had decided that feeding the lions was a good idea, and swimming pools would be awash with illegal activities such as running, bombing, shouting, pushing and the old favourite, heavy petting.

Referring back to the CCSG, the bearable customers make CS mistakes that are of a mild annoyance and only result in a small and disposable anger on my part. An example happened this very morn when a lady bought two items that came to £6.50. She left the shop but returned 5 minutes later wondering why she had been charged this amount for these two purchases. I told her the individual prices and she thought the calendar was supposed to be half price. I explained it already was and blah blah fucking blah. She changed her mind and I refunded it without fuss. Then I thought to myself why did she knowingly pay £6.50, when to her the transaction should have been £4? Why don't you look at the amount on the receipt or the till before you pay you berk? You could've saved both of us the hassle couldn't you love?

Moving on.

Like a solitary rose in a garden full of weeds, a realistic Newcastle United fan or an honest politician good customers with exceptional CS are hard to find. When you do get one it's like being on crack (Just to clarify I don't actually know what this feels like, I just mean it's very moreish). The transaction flows effervescently on a creamy cloud of wavy wonderment where unicorns dance and I am the King of the party. The chat is polite, brief and informative, the purchase paid for in cash. The customer acknowledges my presence but doesn't pretend to be my friend and we both respect the boundaries that the sacred shop counter represents. It's beautiful.

The worst culprits highlighted on the CCSG are the brain elite. Like Spidermans Uncle says, "With great intelligence, comes great stupidity". I might have changed most of the words to that line but you get the point. Why is it that those with superior intellectual capacity also have the ability to fall between staircases, pull out a woman's hair on a bus or have absolutely no social awareness whatsoever? I'm stumped.

Maybe, just maybe, they have too much information stored inside their Mensa minds. The simple act of purchasing a birthday card is too difficult because they are overflowing with considerations about how tough it must be for a lone, independent shop to survive in the cuthroat, capitalist, Starbucks loving society in which we live where the challenging economic climate and the constant homogenising of products and corporate takeovers makes it a constantly demanding task to run a successful business. aaaaaand breathe....
Or! They are just dumb too and I'm giving them undeserved credit. That's probably it.

I conclude that the CCSG is 99% accurate and you should disagree at your peril.

On a lighter note...


Comedy customer quote of the day

"This is a postmodern gift shop, FUCKING HELL! I'm surprised you don't get raided by the police"

(An incredibly charismatic, middle aged West Indian man with a beaming smile who reminded me of a thin version of my favourite secondary school geography teacher, what a legend).

Retail lesson #2

If you expect the worst of a customer, you can never be disappointed.

Homework

Relax, you've had a hard day.




Nico